Disappointment

Posted by Jannath on Apr 17, 2010 at 7:59 PM

  

EDIT:
April 19, 2010

I've decided that being pregnant makes me even more hormonal than usual. I'd like to add to the post below by saying, I'm not unhappy with my life. In fact I adore what I have and who I have in it... I think every now and then I let my idle mind get the better of me and throw myself a pity party. The post below is a great example of said pity party. That... and I'm pregnant :P



Webster's dictionary defines "disappointed" as the following:

dis·ap·point·ed 
Pronunciation: \-ˈpȯin-təd\
Function: adjective
Date: 1537
1 : defeated in expectation or hope
2 obsolete : not adequately equipped
— dis·ap·point·ed·ly adverb

 I feel like that word "defeated" very aptly explains "disappointed". I feel like too often we make the mistake of putting our happiness in other people's hands.. 99% of the time (in my experience) that leads to disappointments. My parents always thought that renting an area in a restaurant, making me wear expensive clothes and inviting every damn kid in my class would make for a great birthday party.

 I hated those birthdays. They always felt contrived, fake, superficial... and I barely remember most of them if any at all. I'm sure my parents, coming from not that well off backgrounds, thought that was the best most awesome way to celebrate. Problem was... no one asked me what I wanted or if I even wanted to be there. Don't get me wrong.. i'm not ungrateful for the time and effort and money they spent... i love and adore them for trying.

There are so many things that as humans, we consider milestones in our lives - events and dates by which we look back 20, 30 , 50 years from now and go "wow". True the milestones vary slightly culture to culture but for the most part they are the same. Ever since I got pregnant, I've been thinking about all the things I wouldn't do with my child that my parents did do with me/to me.... and with that I've thought about how I would celebrate that child's milestones. Would I do things the way I wanted? The way I thought best? By my timing and convenience? OR would I do it according to what would make the child happy? This all has had me going over my milestones in my head and for kicks I thought I'd put them down in a list:

I suppose the big one that most people start with is the birthdays:

16th birthday: came and went and to this day I don't remember it at all. I'm pretty sure we did nothing
18th birthday: same as above
21st birthday: same as above
30th birthday: husband had something planned by best friend's pet was dying so had to change all plans and spend the weekend at her house instead. Day went by quietly
College graduation: graduated, had lunch at cheesecake factory, came home and did nothing
First time I traveled alone: after a 3 month stay in pakistan where my parents desperately tried to marry me off (it didn't work)
First time I was asked out: has yet to happen. Little known face, I've never been asked out. Date or otherwise.
First kiss: was a joke. Leave it at that
Engagement: parents 'hijacked' the wedding and decided a date for us so there was no need for an engagement by western OR eastern standards. But technically proposed to 12 hours before the wedding via a newspaper with a printed sheet on it. So I was engaged for 12 hours. That and a stalker 'proposed' earlier this year via facebook email.
Wedding: I showed up - had no say in my wedding dress, reception dress, food, decorations, guests etc etc etc etc.

...and that is pretty much it. I'm not quite sure what else there is left to look forward to. Our 5th year anniversary is this year. With the baby and the severe debt between student loans, our car payments, my one job and the credit cards - most likely we'll do nothing.

So it kind of feels like 3 things. 
  1.  My entire life people have done things around me the way that they have wanted, how they thought things would be good and what would be their idea of 'special' - as a result none of my milestones have ever really been anything huge for me. Apparently I'm a bad person for feeling upset about this. "the past is the past". Result of this being that I feel like I've never been worth the effort. By anyone. Things for me are thrown together, haphazard and last minute... and there is always a reason for it.

    Maybe I'm not worth it...  I don't know. I can't speak for other people. I just know how the last 30 years of being treated this way has left me feeling.

    Am I discounting the little things here and there as a result of this? Despite popular belief, I'm not. I'm just saying its not fair that everyone else gets the little things AND the milestones.... and I've never had a single one @ milestone. not.a.single.one.

    I've never had that overwhelming feeling of "wow, this person really cares because they made the effort to ask" - its always just been taken for granted with me that I'm with someone.... my fault for not being one of those girls that demanded that I be asked out, demanded I be picked up for a date etc etc etc
  2. With a child on the way, I now feel like its my position in life to life vicariously (not in a controlling do it my way sort of way) through my child. I'll get to see my child have his/her 16th birthday and I'll do everything I can to make sure its something they remember and love and feel loved. I'll get to see my child graduate college someday and I'll make sure they know how proud I am of them and how loved they are and how appreciated they are. And.... someday I'll see my child get engaged and see how happy they are during that special time in their life. All moments that come once and can never be repeated or replaced... 
  3. I'm taking things that have bothered me for a while and add to that, that i'm pregnant and severely hormonal lately - it makes for a bad bad combo.

.....and every step of the way I want to make sure I do whatever I can to ensure that my child never ends up feeling this way by the time they are 30..... that they got passed by every time there was something special in their life.






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