Joie De Vive

When you get pregnant and you have children.... you prepare yourself for a life of no sleep and constant sacrifice with a sprinkling of hugs, giggles, crayons and toys. No one tells you that the other "kid" in your life, your pet, may not adjust to the new life in your house.

When we brought Aasiyah home the first day, Tequila, our cat, ran for her life and hid for days. The noise, the crying the baby made, was so alien to her that she was terrified. We knew this was going to happen, we were prepared for some growing pains.

What we were not prepared for was that Tequila (an only "child" for 5 years) would have such an incredibly hard time adjusting. She went from generally ignoring the baby, to becoming a growling, hissing, spitting cat, whenever I or the baby walked/crawled past her. There were times where if the baby got too close, she got swiped at and my hand got shredded in trying to protect the baby.

Then, the peeing on the carpets started. We knew that Tequila was beyond upset and the situation was getting worse. The only time she was even slightly okay was if we let her out on the balcony during the day. Summer has started to set in here in Philly and outside in the head is no place for a cat. I've been stretched thin as it is and couldn't deal with the constant stress of the cat and the baby.

So I asked Jose to find a no kill shelter to drop her off at. He found one, took her to it on Thursday and they turned him away. No space. They only rescue cats from kill shelters. His only option then was to take her to the local SPCA. They said that they were packed, but would test her medically to see if she was adoptable. They legally, had to warn jose that there was a chance she would be put down. I pooh poohed it away.... the only reason they have to put a cat down is if it is so unhealthy it can't be adopted out. Tequila wasn't unhealthy.

Friday, we left for July 4th weekend to Delaware.

Sunday, we called to see if she had passed her medical tests. Well... Jose called. They told him that she was so upset and not adjusting to the shelter, the smell of the other animals that she was hissing, baring teeth and very defensively aggressive. She wouldn't let anyone near her to let them test her.

Instead of sedating her and letting her have a chance to relax and adjust... they decided it wasn't worth their time to deal with her... and then put her down. How, I don't know. They wouldn't say.

But she's dead.

My kitten of 6 long years, since the month before Jose and I got engaged, is dead.

And its my fault. I made a selfish decision, I chose my sanity over my cat, that depended on me. I chose not wanting to have to worry about a cat who wasn't adjusting to my child, and was possibly a danger to my child... and it led to her being dead.

Everyone keeps saying how it was her time, and perhaps this was God's way of protecting her from being adopted by someone who was going to hurt her or torture her..... and I understand all that. But the fact remains, she's dead because I sent her to the shelter.

.... and I don't know how to deal with it.

She deserved so much better. she wasn't supposed to be put down, she was supposed to get placed with a couple or a family who were going to love her as much as we did... even more than we did. This wasn't supposed to happen!!!!

All weekend I've felt like Lady Macbeth, walking around with blood on my hands.
Out damn spot. out.