Joie De Vive

Waiting on an angel
one to carry me home
hope you come to see me soon
cause I don't want to go alone
I don't wanna go alone
- Ben Harper

I think I'm starting to understand why people wrap themselves so completely and utterly into their babies when they are born. How can you not? They're the most innocent things ever.

They love you unconditionally, have no issues in showing OR receiving love and through that innocence they are so unselfish. I can't wait for my baby to be here already. *4.5 weeks left*

I'm finding more and more as I get older, where I stand with people... and the saddest part of it all is that those I thought were my closest - have ended up being the furthest away - by choice or by circumstance. Luckily there are those in my life that are closer to me than my own blood at times. Its true when they say that family isn't always biological. My family extends far beyond that of my blood.

That being said... what is it about us as human beings that we need the connection of others? Most of nature's animals are social creatures - I believe dolphins are the closest thing though to how MUCH social contact is needed. Take my cat for example - she's perfectly fine being on her own as long as her basic needs are met: food, litter, water. However, leave her alone w/ all three things but no social contact for a few days, she gets whiney and needy (albeit only for an hour once you're home and then back to ignoring you).

So then why is it that as humans we need that same contact but to a much higher degree? Why is it that we place expectations on certain relationships in our lives? We expect our mother to be a certain way with us. Why? Well because that is what mothers are supposed to be (according to society). We place similar expectations on our fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands and friends. At the same time we fixate expectations on ourselves as well. Unless of course you're the type of individual that expects of himself - which to me is just selfish and lazy.

I have always had really high expectations of myself, growing up. I think that stems from the kind of standards my father put on me for the kind of person I should be. I pride myself in that - my word is my honor. I won't ever say I'll do something if I can't do it - and once I've given my word, then nothing will stop me from following through on it. Unfortunately, because I am that way, I expect those close to me, to be that way too...... that is not the case and it leads to much upset and anger and hurt on my part. I can't fathom the idea of being the type of person that says they'll be responsible for something and then never follow through on it - and that actually be a habit.

It boggles my mind.

Then there are people that choose to just be the type of people that come and go whenever it pleases them. Their idea of caring is to just exist in your life on convenience or because you happen to be related to them. There is no need in their eyes, to ask how you are, call occasionally or show any interest in things that are most important to you - and somehow from all of this, you're expected to just understand that they "care". Again... mind boggling.

I refuse to raise my child with either of those two habits. The first habit creates an individual that isnt' worth their word, can't be relied on for anything and really can't be taken very seriously. The second habit just creates an individual that is very cold (they might not be deep inside) - but as far as the rest of the world knows - they're a cold individual that doesn't have it in them to reach out and hug someone.

I want her to be a loving, open and caring individual that respects not only others but herself enough to be someone who is reliable and stable without being walked over. My father taught me a long time ago that its very easy to be the kind of person that demands respect but does nothing to earn it, and its very hard to be the kind of person that demands nothing but rather earns respect by living with high standards for themselves every day.

To say that I am a perfect person is just ridiculous - I am the furthest thing from perfect. However, the one thing that I pride myself on is my expectations of myself - my word is gold. If I pass nothing else on to her, I hope I pass that on.