Joie De Vive

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Egypt did it!

Hosni Mubarak resigned today (fled to sharm al shaikh before making his statement and like a coward had his VP do his resignation for him). Egypt has exploded in joy! Its hard to not be happy and excited for them. To see their youth band together in such a way and start a people's revolution.

Amazing!  http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/02/egypt_the_wait.html

Watching this amazing event take place half way across the world while I sit on our couch, in our apartment and feed our daughter - its really really been driving a few things home for me. The more I saw the revolution, the more my feet were itching - I felt like I used to back in college when I was about to undertake yet another cause to stand up for.... and for once in my life, I felt useless and helpless. My sister, in Toronto, was going to rally after rally, protests and sit ins in support of the egyptian people.

I was home.

I came the realization today: this is never where I thought I'd be. This is not the life I had imagined or hoped for.. for myself.

Let me explain, I know that makes it sound like I regret being married and I regret having my daughter. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love my little family.

But... the hard truth of it is. I had never "wanted" to be a housewife. My heart has always beaten with the pulse of the street - with the underdog and lost causes. I've always, for as long as I could remember, dreamt of leading or at least being involved in world changing events. It sounds silly doesn't it? I dreamt of changing the world. I was going to "be someone".... and for a time I was.

I was known in college for being someone who took the reins into her own hands and made things happen. I started and lead a protest in college to implement changes and more rights for resident students and better housing. It worked. Back in highschool I took part in massive walkouts against budget cuts from the education system. I was there. If there was a protest - you could bet I'd be there.

I had wanted to be the person that took on community projects that took me overseas and helped to change lives. Responsibilities and school got in the way of that, so I waited till I graduated. Then I got married and I couldn't just leave lobster behind so I waited. Then I got pregnant... and everything changed.

I can no longer think about myself or my dreams... or who I was or even who I wanted to be.

I was telling lobster last night, I no longer know who I am outside of my role as his wife and behbeh's mother. He had asked a few days ago what books I was interested in reading. I was completely thrown... me? read a book? I had no answer - I had no idea what books are out anymore. Outside of the four walls of my apartment, diapers, throwup, bottles and laundry - I have no idea of anything.

The saddest thing to me is, that if I had a full day to myself right now - I wouldn't even know what to do with it. I'd fall right back into cleaning and laundry - because that is all I am now.

I am not the girl with the revolutionary heart that was going to change the world.
I will never become the first brown creative directors at Saatchi and Saatchi overseas.
Other than holding Aasiyah's hand and taking her to school, I'll never lead in anything again.

Becoming a mother has done something to me that I never ever in a million years expected - its aged me in my eyes... and I don't know how to come to terms with that. So I will be one of those people now that lives thru the actions of others. I'll watch my sister live the revolutionary life I had wanted for myself, and I will raise Aasiyah to be the kind of person that wants to change the world, not just sit in the sidelines.

.... and in the meantime.... I'll continue to remember
and to dream.