Joie De Vive

There is not alot in this world that terrifies me.

Well.. okay thats a lie. There are some things I'm scared of:

Spiders (loathsome creatures w/ far too many legs)
Gigapedes (also known as house centipedes *shudder*)
   well bugs in general....
Heights
Dark rooms in houses I don't know
"Under the bed" area (you don't know WHAT is lurking down there)
small tight spaces

I'm sure there is much more to add to said list - but as I said. There is not alot in this world that terrifies me. Being afraid, being scared are very normal things - I mean, pretty much everyone has a fear of something. Sharks for instance (those can be added to above list) are scary buggers that almost everyone is afraid of.

These are all normal things - things that can, I suppose, under duress, be overcome. If my life depended on me crawling through a small tight hole that was covered in spiders, then I would do it.

.... actually, I'd have to be shoved through said door after being drugged coz there is no way in hell I'd go through that willingly.


Terror.... that is a whole other ballgame. There is only one thing in this world that absolutely terrifies me. Brings me to a screeching halt, whimpering on my knees. Before I mention what this thing is: a little background on moi:

I am an aries through and through.
By that I mean I've always stood at the forefront of any situation, taken the lead when I saw a need to and gone at things head first full force. If things aren't working, I make them work. I've been told my self confidence can be a bit overwhelming and I can come off arrogant if you don't know me. When I'm good, I know I'm good and no one's opinion would ever change that for me.

So then it may come as a huge surprise to some that the thing that terrifies me more than anything in this world is failure. Failure in myself. Let me explain. If I have to do something for someone else - no problem. I'll move heaven and earth to get said task done and be able to keep my word. When it comes to doing something for myself...... things start to fall apart.

My personal jihad at the moment is my post pregnancy weight. I am holding steady right now at 141lbs - 5 months after having my daughter. I've tried working out but in all honesty - life, stress, baby, moodswings, lack of umph, you name it - has gotten in my way. I have gotten in my way... and the weight hasn't budged. This is the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life: hell giving birth was a walk in the park compared to this. Its not easy going from being the "skinny" girl my whole life to battling weight problems now.

A little while ago my bfff (who stalks this blog so HIIIIIII bff! <3) started a program called "body for life" - and she's had great success with it, as has her mother and other people she's known. I've watched from the sides, extremely happy for her but at the same time wishing I were able to do that too.

Silly right? what the heck is stopping me from doing the same thing?

Simply put: the chance at failing.

I barely have time for myself. I'm 30. I'm 31lbs over weight. I have a hypothyroid which aids in making weight loss much harder than it should be.. and there is a very good chance I'm going through post partum depression. I find it easier to beat up on myself than to try this program because I would pretty much give up on life if this didn't work. I worry that I'll work out and fail at it.

I realize how ridiculous this all sounds - but its where I've been for the last few months, mentally. I chide myself for every bite of food that goes into my mouth, but when I don't eat and have to breastfeed the baby, I feel every single pang of hunger in my tummy - its a vicious vicious cycle.

So I am about to start something that will put me face to face with my personal terror. I am going to read this book that teaches you "body for life" and come this monday I am going to start the 12 week challenge. Hopefully I'll be able to remind myself every step of the way that I am not reaching for perfection but rather a way to a change in lifestyle that will lead to weight removal as well as a healthy me. In the meantime I have my bfff to look at for inspiration. I mean this is the girl that did the "shuffle and gasp" with me a few summers ago when we decided we should start running <3

so........ Here we go.

February 24, 2011 - 141lbs