Joie De Vive

Every year, as my birthday gets closer and closer, I tend to (like most people) turn inward and take a good hard look at me life. Most years, I sit back with satisfaction over where I am and what I have done (for the most part). I find things to get better at, to strive harder for... but I've almost never had regrets. Most importantly, I've never really felt "old".

This year.... I'm not sure what it was.

Perhaps its that I'm now officially no longer "just 30".... im now the big 3.1. (ewwwwwww). Maybe its that I'm a mother this year. I'm not happy where I am weight wise, at all. Its the first year of my life I've just stayed home for months on end. I don't know... I think it all came together this year to create the perfect storm for me.

Back when I was a teenager, I was shy, quiet and pretty much kept to myself. I had little to no self esteem and barely know who I was as a person. It took me moving away from my family, going to college and realizing I could be whoever I wanted, to come out of my shell.

I never looked back. There have been huge hiccups since then, a slew of relationships that messed with my head - the last one being the roughest on my confidence. Then I met Lobster... and its been a long 7 years of working my way back to being happy with myself. The last few years have been the best for me. I loved my life. I looked good, I felt good, I was happy working in my field, surrounded by loved ones and amazing friends... and then this year I feel like I've gone back full circle.

At 31, I have the self confidence (or lack thereof) I had from back when I was an unsure 15 year old, who's mom told her she wasn't anything special. This year's birthday was really hard to "celebrate". I couldn't fit into anything in my wardrobe. My war on weight has not been going well. I feel healthier but still look like the same chubby mama that I am.

Its been hard trying to not let myself go down into a dark hole of "my life is the same every.single.day". I try to keep focused on how lucky I am to have such a beautiful healthy little girl, an amazing supportive and loving husband, and some of the best friends in the entire world. It gets very hard to keep that focus when every time I look in the mirror, I feel like breaking it.

I really have become my own worst enemy.. and the funniest part of it is, that outside of my closest friends, no one would ever believe I could be this way. Apparently how I carried myself made people think that I had all the confidence in the world - I can't even remember how that felt right now. On the worst days I've found myself even researching lipsuction. lol..... at any other time in my life I'd laugh at how ridiculous that sounds. My brain understands how shallow it is of me to pin so much of my identity on how I look... and yet considering I was always known as the "skinny" girl my entire life to now be 30lbs overweight and resembling a small ball is no laughing matter.

I've made it my goal to try to lose at least 5lbs a month so that by the time my daughter turns 1 this year, I'll be back to my prepregnancy weight. It shouldn't be hard.... in theory. The gym going and the dieting I can do... the fixing the image I have of myself in my head and the beating up of myself because of it - thats the hard part.

This was so much easier back when I was a teenager and didn't have a daughter watching my every move. The last thing I want to do is raise her to see her mama struggling and hating herself.

No pressure.