Joie De Vive

Our little one is 7 months old today.

Seven Months. No matter now I write it, or how many times I say it to myself, it still blows me away. That little tiny egg that blossomed into a life, grew into a little peanut is now sitting in my living room, flashing her two little teeth, giggling and laughing while playing with her toys and watching my every move.

I never really told anyone, but I was terrified when I was pregnant... about giving birth. Not just the actual process, but would I love her as soon as I saw her? Would I feel that overwhelming feeling that all moms talk about having when they see their little ones the first time?

The entire time she was swimming around in my belly, she was mine. My little behbeh. My little companion. I could tell when she was excited or sleepy, or just hanging out. I could feel her react to my every emotion and word. It was the most comforting thing at night to know that when I fell asleep she was right there with me, inside, listening to my heartbeat. We were as close as two people on this earth could ever be. As much as I wanted to meet her face to face and see her... I didn't want to lose that closeness.

Well.... she was born after 2 days of labor and contractions, 20 minutes of pushing and 5 stitches later, I got to hold her and see her for the first time....

I cried and cried and cried

I didn't even really understand why I was crying, I just knew that I was and that she was perfect. Absolutely fantabulously perfect.

Over the next few days, I started to understand that those tears had of been me being hit with the most overwhelming sense of everything that had happened. I was a mother. I was her mother. Forever. I was no longer just me, or just lobster's wife. I was now someone's mother. God had chosen me, in His infinite wisdom, to raise her, love her, hug her, discipline her, teach her, feed her... be everything to her. The responsibility was almost more than I could bear. 

She had lobster's eyes, eyebrows and nose, and my chin... but she has a soul that belonged to God and to Him, one day it will return. As will mine, inshaAllah. I was being entrusted with the most important thing in the world. Me.... who can barely walk down the street without landing flat on my face. :O

The first few months were the hardest... we lacked in sleep, we were overworked, overtired and all she did was eat and eat and sleep and poop. The occasional moment where a little smile would flicker on and off would get us all excited even though we knew she wasn't really smiling. It was just a reflex. I felt a sense of a certain amount of detachment. Don't get me wrong. I loved her to bits... but I loved her with a sense of "because I have to", it was part of the job, so to speak.

Then... it happened... suddenly in between 3 and 4 months she suddenly grew a personality. She started giggling and laughing. There were suddenly sentences in baby babble being thrown around. If we were to approach her in the mornings to pick her up from her crib, she lights up, bounces up and down and squeals.

As time passes more and more now... that initial overwhemlingness (is that even a word?!) comes back... but whats changed the most is the initial detachment. Now.... as we eat breakfast together and she plays little jokes on me by hiding behind her hands, giggling at me when i'm trying to convince her naptime is a good idea... her crooning along with me when I sing to her - I feel that closeness again. The closeness I felt when I was pregnant with her.

On the rare occasion she lets me just hold her without her squirming everywhere, I bury my face into her soft hair and just smell her little baby smell, and feel a wave of contentment wash over me. Its not exactly the same as when I was pregnant with her. Nothing will ever compare to that, but this.. this is pretty close

Slowly but surely this little person has become so entwined in my life and in my heart that she has become completely a part of me. My fear is now, that someday I might lose that. I hope and pray each day that my actions towards her and with her, help her to become the amazing person she will be some day... and maybe, just maybe be able to hold on that closeness for as long as I can, InshaAllah.