Joie De Vive

When I was much MUCH younger - my mother used to talk of how a mother and wife's job is never ending, how at times it can be a thankless job, it goes on 24/7 - every single day of the year. When the entire family is out on vacation, you are still at your job - both of them. There are no office parties, no boss to come and pat you on the back on a job well done.

I was forewarned about all of these things. I was prepared for the sleepless nights, the throwup, the crying, the constantly wanting to feed/not feed at a whim. I knew what I was getting myself into.. up to a point.

No one warned me, however, that I would lose part of my heart forever.

A little while ago behbeh needed to go get shots. This sent me into a full blown panic. I hate. Loathe. Despise needles. I avoid them as much as possible... and the occasional time that I am forced to go, I've made lobster hold my hand while I look away and whimper about how much I hate needles. Nurses inevitably always find me highly amusing. Now, I, the mama in this picture, am supposed to take my trusting little baby to the doctor to be poked and prodded? Is there no justice in this world?

Well.. I swallowed my fears and trepidations and took my little one to the doctor. Hearing her cry in pain is one of the most heart wrenching things I've experienced. It literally felt like someone was breaking my heart into two - I ached and ached to do anything I could do stop her from hurting. Luckily for me babies have a short attention span and even shorter memories - a few minutes later she was perfectly fine. I, however, was still traumatized by the entire experience. I'll even go so far as to admit I cried a little in the car on the way home.

That night she started running a fever. Her father and I sat anxiously by her side as she twisted and fussed in her sleep, all the while sweating down her little forehead. By 11pm her fever wasn't going down and we had medication for her but no idea how much to give (morons that made the medication said to ask a doctor how much to give a baby that young). We quickly called our pediatrician only to find out that she didn't take calls after 10pm unless it was am emergency - we were then told to take her to the emergency room if we had questions. Unlike canada - emergency rooms here cost a lot of money and all we needed to know was how much medication to give her.

Luckily one of my best friends is a doctor, so with ended up waking the poor girl up from her sleep to ask her the dosage amount. In the meantime in my worry and panic, I called my parents. My mother immediately started telling us how to keep her cooled down with a wet cloth, monitor her temperature and inshaAllah (God willing) all would be fine.

Despite all assurances from both of my parents AND my best friend ... I worried myself into a tizzy. I stayed up most of the night by her side - constantly checking her temperature with my hand on her little forehead. My heart jumping in panic and my stomach sinking every time she whimpered even the slightest. I over analysed every. single. little. thing. to lobster:

She didn't eat enough on her last feed.
She's fussing in her sleep too much.
Why isn't she waking up to eat?
Should I wake her up to feed?
What if this medication isn't working?
What if her temperature goes past 101.3???? then what?

God very clearly knew what He was doing by pairing Lobster and I up together. He is the calmer, more put together one of the both of us. He constantly kept reassuring me that she was fine... he tried to get me to go to bed and get some sleep and promised to stay up with her instead. Of course, I wouldn't let myself fall asleep. How could I? I would be a terrible horrible mother for abandoning my child. Everything was inflated and chaotic in my mind at that time. Lobster did all he could to keep me calm.

The entire time I was worrying and freaking out I kept thinking to myself "oh my God why didn't anyone tell me about this part???" No one had warned me I would lose half my heart. I would literally have half of my heart walking around outside of my body. I would only ever be able to do so much to protect her. At least while she was inside my belly, I knew at all times where she was and could tell instantly if she was ok or not. This having her outside business was much harder.. much crueler on us, her parents.

Her papa and I breathed a sigh of relief when the sun finally rose and her temperature had gone back to normal. We patted ourselves on our backs at a job well done and keeping it together (!) during our baby's very first fever. This was easy. We had this in the bag.

Then lobster had to go and ruin it all by saying something along the lines of how wait till she's a teenager and all the trouble that usually brings. Cue full blown panic attack on my part.

I have a new appreciation for my mother and mothers everywhere. This is hard.. having your heart walking around outside of your body - I can only hope I won't be one of those over protective want to keep my kid in a giant bubble type of mothers.

I would love to be one of those hip cool moms that encourages her child to explore the world.. go ahead baby climb that tree - its ok if you'll fall. I'll bite my lip in anxiousness when she does climb that tree but I'll never let her see it, she'll never know I'm doing all that I can from not running over and holding her tightly so she can't get hurt. She'll climb the tree and wave from up in it's branches and happily ask if I saw what she just did.. and like the cool mom that I am, I'll wave back and tell her I did and that I'm very proud.

I'll breathe a huge sigh of relief to myself once she safely makes it back down again and pat myself on the back for a job well done - for keeping it so together.