Joie De Vive

Over the last few months, somewhere along the way I've forgotten how to take care of myself. My days are spent from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep, caring for my daughter. If I get time to shower AND brush my teeth, it's been a very productive day.

Somehow my life went from being so full of things that I wanted to do, to things I have to do. Of course, I beyond love and adore my baby..... but I've been feeling like I've all but lost who I am in the last few months. I've lost my center and my sense of self....and yes, along with it, my sense of self worth. This may be the most superficial thing ever to some people but since this is my blog, I can write what I wish : I'm fat. For my standards, for my body: I'm fat. 

All the progress I made over the last few months got shot to hell as soon as my thyroid medication changed. I gained back all the weight. Disheartening doesn't even begin to cover it. Being stuck at home, with no friends anywhere in the immediate vicinity hasn't helped either. A fussy baby that requires every. single. minute. of my attention hasn't helped. I've been feeling more and more that I'm about to boil over and just fall apart. I'm at the end of my rope and seconds from a full blown meltdown. 

For the first time last night when I was eating (a burger because neither of us had the time or change to cook) I felt guilty for eating. I felt like the proverbial fat kid stuffing her face full of food. I can feel myself well on my way to becoming an emotional eater.

Sooooo... this morning the baby (thank God) had her morning feed and fell right back asleep till 11am. I had the chance for the first time to eat a quiet non rushed breakfast and have a hot hot cup of cocoa. 

And just. be. still.

You never really realize how much you need the quiet until you barely ever get the chance to have it. I turned on "lost" and hit continue on the episode I was in the middle of last night...

............. the episode continue right at this part where a woman that had been told her entire life that she would never get pregnant - she was pregnant. She cried and hugged her sister and spoke of how it was a miracle.

and I cried.. and cried and cried and cried.

I cried for all the weight I'd gained, for my thyroid being so effed up, for me catching hives that there was a one in a 2 million chance of me getting post pregnancy, for being so far away from family and friends - people who actually care about me, for my stupid in law situation and my daughter not having a set of grandparents, for not being able to work anymore, for constantly worrying about money, for not being able to produce enough milk to feed my baby, for losing my center and not knowing who I am anymore......

and then I laughed.

I know, I sound like a total nutjob right now don't I? I laughed because God always has this incredible way of hitting me with what I need to hear. Right then I needed to hear how incredibly lucky and blessed I have been to have this amazing and beautiful healthy little baby girl. For all the women in the world that have been praying and praying for a baby - I've been lucky enough to have behbeh aasiyah.

For all the crap I've been through - I'm still blessed and still really lucky. The rest of the issues aren't any better but some of those things are fixable and some of them are out of my hands. The ones that I can do something about - I am going to. The things out of my hands, I am going to walk away from and leave them in God's capable hands.

I might not have in laws that give a damn about me or my daughter or husband, or being the size 3 I used to be, I might not have friends or family anywhere nearby right now.... but i know who I am.

I am someone that is loved... and even though I might not worship Him every day - He's always there and He's always loved me.  In that love He's given me my husband, my daughter, my parents and siblings, an amazing extended family of friends that adore my child.

...... and just as one last kick from The Big Guy up there, as I've been writing this blog post this song came on: "Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain With the rain in Shambala. Wash away my sorrows, wash away my shame With the rain in Shambala"